Top Manager

For all of those "Front of the House" managers out there without a TV show geared to them, I am proposing a new reality show. Everyone else has Bravo's Top Chef, Fox's Hell's Kitchen, "Who the Hell Remembers Network's" Restaurant (the infamous Rocco Dispirito flame-out), and Food Network's Next Food Network Star. I'd like to call my little show "Front of the House Follies", or "Manager Meltdown Mania", or "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me!", or something equally pithy. I'm sure there are many well-paid network hacks who can come up with a consumer-generated title that will draw in the viewers and advertisers.

Here's the premise: First, we'll start with your normal, ordinary, run-of-the-mill, chain restaurant. Your typical expense-pinched, corporate in-bred, tacky commercial-plugged, tired menu-d, family meal emporium.

Next, we'll gather 12 managers who think they have what it takes to run a successful restaurant. We'll put them in a double-wide trailer right outside the back door of said restaurant. They will be on notice 24 hours a day. Vacations may or may not be allowed depending on staffing levels, which will never be above 75%. Sick day are not allowed, since they are already short one assistant manager.

Then, we will promise them the world if they can be managerial, according to their Area Director's whim. Huge monthly bonuses, lucrative stock options, and more will be theirs if they can survive! Of course, the Area, Regional, and National Directors will change on a daily basis. This will challenge the contestants to conform to different ideals with mercurial analysis.

Now, we will throw these contestants into the middle of a lunch rush. But, we will throw a wrench into the machine. Their lone hostess has called in sick. The closing manager has forgotten to place a change order, so all they have is $20 bills and 10 rolls of pennies. And the linen service has not shown up, so they have 50 napkins when 250 guests will show up for lunch. Oh, and by the way, the hot water heater has self-destructed. And the walk-in is at 42 degrees and rising. And toilet #2 in the women's room is stopped up. And the last bag of chicken breasts in the house is still frozen.

The first contestant has gone gallantly into battle. The battle-scarred busser has been thrown into service as a host, which can work, since they know better than anyone else which servers can handle that extra table. But that contestant dissolves into puddles when the first guest of the day pays with a $100 bill.

The next contestant is rushed into battle! Only to blather incoherently when table 61 starts to yell that there is no hot water in the restroom. Send in #3!

Number 3 swoops in gallantly. But is never to be seen again after dissappearing into the ladies' room.

Contestant #4 has disappeared into the back rolling silverware with toilet paper.

#5 is on hold with the HVAC service, hoping that they have someone, anyone, who can come that calendar year to fix the walk-in.

Big, tough, challenger #6 is going through the rollodex trying to find a vendor who fixes hot water heaters.

#7 through #10 are standing around the toilet in the women's room giving direction and encouragement to #11 on how to dislodge the "obstruction".

Meanwhile, #12 is going around to all the tables in the dining room, saying "Hi!" and thanking them for their patience, and helping bus the tables the busser-hostess can't get to. He also called the competitor next door to borrow 200 napkins, promising lunch on him in exchange. In addition, he went to all the servers and requested all their spare change, and begged and borrowed from his guests their singles and fives, and sucked up his pride and called the competitor next door again to get some quarters.

I see Emmys. I see Nobel Prizes. I see good managers leaving in droves.

But it sure would be great television!