So, this young couple comes into the store on Friday, and since I was only partially weeded at the time, I jumped up to help them out. They were young-ish, mid to late 20's, Asian in origin but obviously have been here many years ( no accent, but would communicate to each other in a foreign language [ I hate when they do that!]).
"Hi, how are you? What can I help you find?"
The female half waves a list at me. "We're opening up a new Marble Slab Creamery (or whatever it was) and have a list of things we need to open next month."
I ask to look at the list and see that it's a fairly straightforward list of every smallware item they will need to run their new place. So I start at the top and show them what each item is. (They've obviously never run a restaurant before. They don't know the difference between a 1/6 or 1/3 pan.) This list has every little thing listed, you don't need to know what you're doing.
Which is what I was talking about in my last post. People who have never run a restaurant before should start small and easy. Buy a franchise. Work in someone else's place and take notes. These companies selling franchises already know everything you'll need. They have support people who will guide you through the basics. They have a package of equipment and probably have a deal with distributors who will get it to you at the lowest price. I've had people come in to start a new restaurant and they don't even know if they need gas or electric, 110v or 220v, 1phase or 2phase, etc. It's hard to quote prices when you don't know things like that.
I chatted with this couple for awhile, told them what we had to offer, and congratulated them on starting with the right idea. (Although, an ice cream place is not the best franchise to own. It's very limited, and is considered a luxury in these rough times)
Although they've done a lot of homework and started small and smart, I think they may be a little too unprepared in a lot of aspects. Hiring the right people is a skill learned over a long period of time. Dealing with the public takes time and experience (and mucho patience).
Since this new place is on my way home, I may take an interest in how it does, and post about it. It may prove interesting. If not, I don't have a life anyway, so I won't be wasting any time ;)
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Another One Bites The Dust
I've written before about people wanting to get into the restaurant business, and how most of them have no clue what they're getting themselves into. This is a story about a young couple who should have asked someone for some advice. My place of employment is in the business of selling restaurant equipment and supplies, so talking someone out of their dream really isn't on our agenda (I know this sounds callous, but McDonald's wouldn't be in business if it talked fat people out of eating Big Macs and fries). Alas, I saw this one coming from a mile away.
So, this young couple comes in to the store for some design help with their bistro. It's a smallish restaurant in a strip mall kinda thing. It'll have about 15 tables, a small entrance/waiting area, and a small, but manageable kitchen. They've had the menu planned for about 3 years while they were saving their money and dreaming of fame and fortune. The menu consisted of basic sandwiches with creative touches, soups, salads, and appetizers for lunch and the addition of some proteins on the dinner menu. Nothing spectacular, but a step up from your basic diner/deli food with a few neat twists. Something your basic line cook could reproduce easily. I thought at the time that they had a decent chance of making it. Their bistro was located in an up-and-coming area, the couple were personable, and they seemed to have they're act together...until I visited their place for lunch on a week-end that I was in the area.
Their first mistake? In my humble opinion, first-time restaurateurs should start small and easy and buy a franchise. It's a good way to learn the ropes of ownership while having the support structure newbies will need. This couple had very little experience in the industry. The husband was ex-military with no experience. The wife had been a waitress for a few years, with a little time in management until her kids came and she became a housewife for about 4 years. Not the kind of experience you need if you are sinking your life savings into a risky business.
Their second mistake? Location, location, location. This bistro was in a small strip located about 200 yards off the main drag, with no direct access. Driving from the West, you had to drive past it, turn left across 2 busy lanes of traffic, and do a big circle around this small campus of businesses. And the small sign atop the business was undecipherable from the road, especially where everyone drives 45mph+ right past it. Cars coming from the East would never see it, as it was on the backside of the building. If no one knows you're there, how do you expect to thrive?
Their third mistake? Failure to invest the sweat equity needed to ensure success. Yes, they had two small sons, but this place did not have overly-long opening hours and was closed on Mondays. Two weeks after opening, they hired a Front of the House Manager and a Back of the House Manager to run this small bistro so they could spend more time at home. When you are opening your own restaurant, you should be devoting all your time to your enterprise and putting the money saved back into the restaurant. That is the first rule for success in this kind of undertaking. Six months minimum up to a year or more is the time frame before you start sitting back and enjoying the spoils of your hard work and money spent. It took them two weeks to fall prey.
Their fourth and most fatal mistake? If you have not saved enough money to operate your restaurant for a full year, you should just wait until you have it. After only 6 months in operation, this small place was shuttered. I take no glee in their demise, for they were a nice couple who were perhaps a little disillusioned about what it takes to start and run your own place. Perhaps if one of them had worked outside the restaurant to bring in a stable paycheck to fund shortfalls in profit it might have worked. I only know it was a decent idea poorly executed. If there is a "next time" for them, hopefully they've learned what not to do. Or maybe learn to get someone more knowledgeable to help. Or buy a Domino's instead.
So, this young couple comes in to the store for some design help with their bistro. It's a smallish restaurant in a strip mall kinda thing. It'll have about 15 tables, a small entrance/waiting area, and a small, but manageable kitchen. They've had the menu planned for about 3 years while they were saving their money and dreaming of fame and fortune. The menu consisted of basic sandwiches with creative touches, soups, salads, and appetizers for lunch and the addition of some proteins on the dinner menu. Nothing spectacular, but a step up from your basic diner/deli food with a few neat twists. Something your basic line cook could reproduce easily. I thought at the time that they had a decent chance of making it. Their bistro was located in an up-and-coming area, the couple were personable, and they seemed to have they're act together...until I visited their place for lunch on a week-end that I was in the area.
Their first mistake? In my humble opinion, first-time restaurateurs should start small and easy and buy a franchise. It's a good way to learn the ropes of ownership while having the support structure newbies will need. This couple had very little experience in the industry. The husband was ex-military with no experience. The wife had been a waitress for a few years, with a little time in management until her kids came and she became a housewife for about 4 years. Not the kind of experience you need if you are sinking your life savings into a risky business.
Their second mistake? Location, location, location. This bistro was in a small strip located about 200 yards off the main drag, with no direct access. Driving from the West, you had to drive past it, turn left across 2 busy lanes of traffic, and do a big circle around this small campus of businesses. And the small sign atop the business was undecipherable from the road, especially where everyone drives 45mph+ right past it. Cars coming from the East would never see it, as it was on the backside of the building. If no one knows you're there, how do you expect to thrive?
Their third mistake? Failure to invest the sweat equity needed to ensure success. Yes, they had two small sons, but this place did not have overly-long opening hours and was closed on Mondays. Two weeks after opening, they hired a Front of the House Manager and a Back of the House Manager to run this small bistro so they could spend more time at home. When you are opening your own restaurant, you should be devoting all your time to your enterprise and putting the money saved back into the restaurant. That is the first rule for success in this kind of undertaking. Six months minimum up to a year or more is the time frame before you start sitting back and enjoying the spoils of your hard work and money spent. It took them two weeks to fall prey.
Their fourth and most fatal mistake? If you have not saved enough money to operate your restaurant for a full year, you should just wait until you have it. After only 6 months in operation, this small place was shuttered. I take no glee in their demise, for they were a nice couple who were perhaps a little disillusioned about what it takes to start and run your own place. Perhaps if one of them had worked outside the restaurant to bring in a stable paycheck to fund shortfalls in profit it might have worked. I only know it was a decent idea poorly executed. If there is a "next time" for them, hopefully they've learned what not to do. Or maybe learn to get someone more knowledgeable to help. Or buy a Domino's instead.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
So Where's Allen Funt?
On my way home tonight, I stopped at the local grocery store to pick up a few needs to tide me over until the week-end. Milk, granola bars, lunch meat, whatever. I always feel lucky if they have the self-check-out lane open and it was. "Score" in more ways than one.
After scanning my items and totalling the bill, I decided I needed an extra ten bucks until payday. So, after going through the process with my debit card, I looked in the cash back chute. There was a crisp twenty sitting there and then my two fives fluttered down on top of it. Hmmmmmm.
I look around to see if anyone is watching. None that I can tell. Is this Candid Camera? A hard-hitting expose from Night-line? Is that Dianne Sawyer thumbing through the Enquirer in the next lane?
What would you do?
I took the twenty up to the Service Desk and turned it in like the boob that I am. It sure would have come in handy, but I wouldn't have enjoyed it after the guilt got through with me.
No. Really. Tell me what you would do. I'm curious.
And if you don't know who Allen Funt is, ask your dad.
After scanning my items and totalling the bill, I decided I needed an extra ten bucks until payday. So, after going through the process with my debit card, I looked in the cash back chute. There was a crisp twenty sitting there and then my two fives fluttered down on top of it. Hmmmmmm.
I look around to see if anyone is watching. None that I can tell. Is this Candid Camera? A hard-hitting expose from Night-line? Is that Dianne Sawyer thumbing through the Enquirer in the next lane?
What would you do?
I took the twenty up to the Service Desk and turned it in like the boob that I am. It sure would have come in handy, but I wouldn't have enjoyed it after the guilt got through with me.
No. Really. Tell me what you would do. I'm curious.
And if you don't know who Allen Funt is, ask your dad.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Let's Just Agree to Disagree, Hmmmm?
When you work with a bunch of right-wing neo-conservatives, conversation can often be confrontational. I stay out of it. I don't want people to know who I'm voting for, nor the laws I support. I don't want to explain why Proposition X, Y, or Z is supported by ignorant asses.
The thing that truly chaps my ass though, is people who ignore the other point of view. These are the poeple who drive me nuts, although I've learned over the years to not even get in a discussion with them. Because they never lose (in their own mind). Because what you think doesn't matter. Because you're an "idiot" if you disagree with their right-wing lunacy. When the talk turns to politics, I change the subject.
These people never agree to disagree, they choose to denigrate anyone with a differing viewpoint. The biggest example at my place of work went through a long, messy, expensive divorce last year. Wonder why? He also takes the word of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as gospel. Any supporter of Obama is immediately labeled a communist. He's one of those "I've got mine, everyone else can go to Hell" type of people.
I don't know why some people can't just agree to disagree and go on. I think insecurity plays a part. Lack of interaction with people of different faiths, backgrounds, and ideologies contributes, also. It's just their smug "know everything" attitude that ruins it.
Bet you know someone like that. They seem to multiply faster than others.
The thing that truly chaps my ass though, is people who ignore the other point of view. These are the poeple who drive me nuts, although I've learned over the years to not even get in a discussion with them. Because they never lose (in their own mind). Because what you think doesn't matter. Because you're an "idiot" if you disagree with their right-wing lunacy. When the talk turns to politics, I change the subject.
These people never agree to disagree, they choose to denigrate anyone with a differing viewpoint. The biggest example at my place of work went through a long, messy, expensive divorce last year. Wonder why? He also takes the word of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity as gospel. Any supporter of Obama is immediately labeled a communist. He's one of those "I've got mine, everyone else can go to Hell" type of people.
I don't know why some people can't just agree to disagree and go on. I think insecurity plays a part. Lack of interaction with people of different faiths, backgrounds, and ideologies contributes, also. It's just their smug "know everything" attitude that ruins it.
Bet you know someone like that. They seem to multiply faster than others.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
People Who Should Disappear From the Face of the Earth
Each of the following don't deserve their own post, let alone me taking the time to write about them. But, as a whole, these are the people who make our lives a living Hell. Or, at the least, a less harmonious world.
*Servers who hand me my glass of (whatever) with all five fingers touching the rim. My version of the "octopus serve", with palm down and all five fingers surrounding the top. Hello! I don't know where your fingers have been. Probably grabbing four glasses from the table you just bussed by putting your fingers into the tops and lifting. And then not washing your hands after. Right after you picked your nose. Or, whatever.
*People who drive in the left lane at the speed limit. Yes, I know you are totally legal doing this. But, hey, some of us like to thumb our noses at the designated speed limit. Yes, we are doing something totally illegal. GET YOUR ASS IN THE RIGHT LANE, BITCH! (And, yes, those who are guys are bitches also) Have you heard of "road rage"? You are the cause. Move your ass over.
*Those who choose to write a check in the "Express Lane" at the grocery store. And then wait to put pen to check until the total is calculated. Hello, the date is not going to change, write it down while 'Sally' is scanning your shit. Your signature is not going to change with the total. The name of the store is not going to suddenly change, either. Obviously, your time is not that important. But, 'news-flash', mine is, thank you very much.
*Bussers who go by the table and say, "You through with that?". If I was through with that, I wouldn't be eating from it, and it would be sitting by the edge of the table. Duh!
*Newspaper columnists who should be labeled lobbyists. You shill for the same causes every week. We know your affiliation by now. Stop calling yourself a 'journalist'.
*People who live in apartments who are oblivious to those little lines called 'parking spaces'. If you can't fit your '92 Toyota in those spaces, you shouldn't be driving.
*People, who when calling my place of business by mistake just hang up instead of saying "Sorry, wrong number".
*People, who call my business, who mistakenly think we have X, Y, or Z, and I give them the name of our competitor, who then ask, "Do you have their number?". Yeah, it's 411. Give it a try, dude.
*Turd-wads who look at a price-tag and say, "I can get this for x-dollars less on-line". Or, "I saw this for so-and-so at Wal-Mart". One, if you order it online, you have to pay for shipping, dipshit! And if it arrives damaged, how much is your time worth to rectify the situation? Two, the item you saw at Wally-world is not the same as what we carry. Plus, they have about a million times more buying power than we have. The same goes for the distribution center of your mega-billion-dollar fast-food outlet. Sorry, we buy by the dozen, not by the kazillion.
*New neighbors who think their offspring's bike should be parked in front of my door. News-flash! This is not a dorm. I pay for that little bit of concrete in front of my door. You don't. Or maybe, things are different in Louisiana.
*People who drive 5mph below the speed limit in no-passing zones and then speed up when you get the dotted-lines to pass. Hey, dufus, you have a Lexus. I'm pretty sure that $40k car has cruise control.
*People who block the aisle at the grocery store. Hello, is this the way you drive? Please, give me a five minute head start before you leave the parking lot.
*People who think that, at my place of business (a commercial kitchen equipment supply company), we should carry every little piece of ephemora associated with cooking. 2-1/2" tart pans are not widely used in restaurants now-adays. Nor are cherry-pitters, layer-cake columns, bundt cake pans, or other obtuse contrivances called for on a daily basis by our restaurant customers. Sure, we can special order it for you, but don't be shocked when we ask you to pay for shipping. Or, if it may take a week or more to get it in. Until that Star-Trek transporter is perfected, we are at the whim of the shipping companies. And their minimum-wage employees. Deal with it. Plan ahead.
Whew, that was a lot off of my chest! It's been building for awhile, and I'm sure I'm forgetting many, many other pet peeves, but that should do for now. What are your "duh" statements to your customers?
*Servers who hand me my glass of (whatever) with all five fingers touching the rim. My version of the "octopus serve", with palm down and all five fingers surrounding the top. Hello! I don't know where your fingers have been. Probably grabbing four glasses from the table you just bussed by putting your fingers into the tops and lifting. And then not washing your hands after. Right after you picked your nose. Or, whatever.
*People who drive in the left lane at the speed limit. Yes, I know you are totally legal doing this. But, hey, some of us like to thumb our noses at the designated speed limit. Yes, we are doing something totally illegal. GET YOUR ASS IN THE RIGHT LANE, BITCH! (And, yes, those who are guys are bitches also) Have you heard of "road rage"? You are the cause. Move your ass over.
*Those who choose to write a check in the "Express Lane" at the grocery store. And then wait to put pen to check until the total is calculated. Hello, the date is not going to change, write it down while 'Sally' is scanning your shit. Your signature is not going to change with the total. The name of the store is not going to suddenly change, either. Obviously, your time is not that important. But, 'news-flash', mine is, thank you very much.
*Bussers who go by the table and say, "You through with that?". If I was through with that, I wouldn't be eating from it, and it would be sitting by the edge of the table. Duh!
*Newspaper columnists who should be labeled lobbyists. You shill for the same causes every week. We know your affiliation by now. Stop calling yourself a 'journalist'.
*People who live in apartments who are oblivious to those little lines called 'parking spaces'. If you can't fit your '92 Toyota in those spaces, you shouldn't be driving.
*People, who when calling my place of business by mistake just hang up instead of saying "Sorry, wrong number".
*People, who call my business, who mistakenly think we have X, Y, or Z, and I give them the name of our competitor, who then ask, "Do you have their number?". Yeah, it's 411. Give it a try, dude.
*Turd-wads who look at a price-tag and say, "I can get this for x-dollars less on-line". Or, "I saw this for so-and-so at Wal-Mart". One, if you order it online, you have to pay for shipping, dipshit! And if it arrives damaged, how much is your time worth to rectify the situation? Two, the item you saw at Wally-world is not the same as what we carry. Plus, they have about a million times more buying power than we have. The same goes for the distribution center of your mega-billion-dollar fast-food outlet. Sorry, we buy by the dozen, not by the kazillion.
*New neighbors who think their offspring's bike should be parked in front of my door. News-flash! This is not a dorm. I pay for that little bit of concrete in front of my door. You don't. Or maybe, things are different in Louisiana.
*People who drive 5mph below the speed limit in no-passing zones and then speed up when you get the dotted-lines to pass. Hey, dufus, you have a Lexus. I'm pretty sure that $40k car has cruise control.
*People who block the aisle at the grocery store. Hello, is this the way you drive? Please, give me a five minute head start before you leave the parking lot.
*People who think that, at my place of business (a commercial kitchen equipment supply company), we should carry every little piece of ephemora associated with cooking. 2-1/2" tart pans are not widely used in restaurants now-adays. Nor are cherry-pitters, layer-cake columns, bundt cake pans, or other obtuse contrivances called for on a daily basis by our restaurant customers. Sure, we can special order it for you, but don't be shocked when we ask you to pay for shipping. Or, if it may take a week or more to get it in. Until that Star-Trek transporter is perfected, we are at the whim of the shipping companies. And their minimum-wage employees. Deal with it. Plan ahead.
Whew, that was a lot off of my chest! It's been building for awhile, and I'm sure I'm forgetting many, many other pet peeves, but that should do for now. What are your "duh" statements to your customers?
Sunday, June 29, 2008
An Interesting Time In "The Biz"
This is surely an interesting time to be in the restaurant business. On a daily basis, I talk to probably 10 to 20 operators, be it managers or owners. While I cash them out, I always make it a point to ask how things are going. Can't help it, I'm naturally curious, and it may make for some good fodder for blogging.
Prospects are not good right now, as many of you know all too well. I used to try to be light-hearted, and reassure people that customers will always be there. That everyone has gotten used to eating out. That we all have become accustomed to eating out. We've all become to lazy to cook for ourselves. Now I'm not so sure. I've been hearing horror tales lately.
Here where I live, in the Florida panhandle, has been hit extraordinarily hard by this 'recession'. Now, I know it's not official, but I think we really are in a recession. Our government may throw around a lot of numbers, but those numbers can be manipulated in a way to show that things are peachy. They're not, and God help those who think everything is fine. They are blind and choose to view things the way they think.
People are not going out to eat they way they have. And those who do, are choosing less expensive options. And those who choose those options are not tipping well, either. We have a lot of servers who buy their aprons, wine-keys, etc. here, and they tell me the truth. They have no reason to lie to me. Things are tough, and probably will be for awhile.
The establishments doing well are on the lower rung of the spending spectrum. They're your fast-food places, diners, and family-dining places. Those faring poorest are the middle-rung places: i.e., your TGI Fridays, Macaroni Gill, and Ruby Tuesdays-type places. The high-class establishment will always do well, although the servers are hurting from low tips.
I don't profess to know the answer to these problems. I only know that we may have to move to a more 'European' type of payment. Higher wages to cover the lack of tips. Which will drive up the cost of eating out. Which means less people eating out. Which I don't know what the f**k that means. I don't know if there is an answer. If I knew, I'd be a rich man, which I'm not. I only know that the current system is in for a change, which is not good.
"Service" is bad enough as it is. Who knows how long it will take to get that extra ramekin of dressing in the future.
Prospects are not good right now, as many of you know all too well. I used to try to be light-hearted, and reassure people that customers will always be there. That everyone has gotten used to eating out. That we all have become accustomed to eating out. We've all become to lazy to cook for ourselves. Now I'm not so sure. I've been hearing horror tales lately.
Here where I live, in the Florida panhandle, has been hit extraordinarily hard by this 'recession'. Now, I know it's not official, but I think we really are in a recession. Our government may throw around a lot of numbers, but those numbers can be manipulated in a way to show that things are peachy. They're not, and God help those who think everything is fine. They are blind and choose to view things the way they think.
People are not going out to eat they way they have. And those who do, are choosing less expensive options. And those who choose those options are not tipping well, either. We have a lot of servers who buy their aprons, wine-keys, etc. here, and they tell me the truth. They have no reason to lie to me. Things are tough, and probably will be for awhile.
The establishments doing well are on the lower rung of the spending spectrum. They're your fast-food places, diners, and family-dining places. Those faring poorest are the middle-rung places: i.e., your TGI Fridays, Macaroni Gill, and Ruby Tuesdays-type places. The high-class establishment will always do well, although the servers are hurting from low tips.
I don't profess to know the answer to these problems. I only know that we may have to move to a more 'European' type of payment. Higher wages to cover the lack of tips. Which will drive up the cost of eating out. Which means less people eating out. Which I don't know what the f**k that means. I don't know if there is an answer. If I knew, I'd be a rich man, which I'm not. I only know that the current system is in for a change, which is not good.
"Service" is bad enough as it is. Who knows how long it will take to get that extra ramekin of dressing in the future.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The Audacity
Today started out hot and humid. Hot and humid as only someone living in the South can appreciate. Well, not terribly so, at 8:30 am it was about 80 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. No big deal really. Anyways, my dad came over from the mainland so we could play some tennis. We had a great time, as usual. Now that he's older (66), I have a great time beating him like he used do to me when I was 15 and he was 33. Paybacks, and all that.
I had been inside cooling off and was almost starting to nap at 2:00 when my neighbor stopped by and wanted to go to the pool. That sounded good, so I told him I'd meet him down there in a few minutes. I packed my Captain and Diet Pepsi, put on my new swim trunks, and headed over to the pool next door, remembering to take my hat and sunglasses this time.
My neighbor, Steve, wasn't there yet as I strolled through the gate. "Get out the life-vests, we have an old guy arriving" was shouted as I approached. As I opened the gate, I looked at who was announcing the arrival of this "old guy". It was a guy who looked to be about 60.
"You've got to be at least 50, aren't you?" Needless to say, I was immediately taken aback. Yes, I'm 48 (just turned), but the audaciousness coming from someone like him was astounding.
He was shorter than me, very tan, and missing all the teeth on the bottom of his smile. He kidded me about the whiteness of my skin, and all I could come up at the time was, "Well, I have a lot of indoor things keeping me busy." Lame, meet Ex-R, Ex-R meet lame. I simply find laying by the pool a waste of time, and unfortunately (or fortunately) my job is inside.
He made a show of putting his tan, leathery arm next to my pastey white legs and proclaiming how white I was. Uh, dude, Friend-Making 101 kinda frowns on shit like that. But he proceeded to pull up a chair to the lounge I staked out. Oh, Lord, he wants to be friends. Yeah, that's it, put someone down, and then suck up to them.
"How old do you think I am?"
Pause, pause. "You look like you're in you're mid-forties." Although, in truth, he looked ALL of his 52 years and more. No bottom teeth, many wrinkles, and saggy skin told a tale he was not willing to accept. And he was calling me old, what nerve! Okay, my hair has migrated South, I'm about 15 pounds above my ideal weight, my goatee is mostly white, but I think I look okay for my age.
The truth comes out later when I find out that he's been staking out a single mom at the pool. She's around 40-ish and apparently perked up when I arrived. When we were sitting around the pool, she basically ignored dufus and talked to me. I've experienced this many times. Yes, I'm gay, but not to the casual observer. I get hit on by single women all the time (not to seem conceited, but in Florida, there's a lot of them).
Dufus pulled up a chair and started a conversation while I was just trying to get some sun.
"I run 5 miles every morning, do I look like I'm 52?" Um, yes you do. And your crappy calves don't look like you run 5 miles every day. And when you're not sucking in your gut, you've got a beer belly.
Deal with it, dude. Don't put everyone else down to make yourself look better. I was a restaurant manager. That was a daily happening, and I've learned better. Only mentally-deficient Area Managers fall for that shit.
I had been inside cooling off and was almost starting to nap at 2:00 when my neighbor stopped by and wanted to go to the pool. That sounded good, so I told him I'd meet him down there in a few minutes. I packed my Captain and Diet Pepsi, put on my new swim trunks, and headed over to the pool next door, remembering to take my hat and sunglasses this time.
My neighbor, Steve, wasn't there yet as I strolled through the gate. "Get out the life-vests, we have an old guy arriving" was shouted as I approached. As I opened the gate, I looked at who was announcing the arrival of this "old guy". It was a guy who looked to be about 60.
"You've got to be at least 50, aren't you?" Needless to say, I was immediately taken aback. Yes, I'm 48 (just turned), but the audaciousness coming from someone like him was astounding.
He was shorter than me, very tan, and missing all the teeth on the bottom of his smile. He kidded me about the whiteness of my skin, and all I could come up at the time was, "Well, I have a lot of indoor things keeping me busy." Lame, meet Ex-R, Ex-R meet lame. I simply find laying by the pool a waste of time, and unfortunately (or fortunately) my job is inside.
He made a show of putting his tan, leathery arm next to my pastey white legs and proclaiming how white I was. Uh, dude, Friend-Making 101 kinda frowns on shit like that. But he proceeded to pull up a chair to the lounge I staked out. Oh, Lord, he wants to be friends. Yeah, that's it, put someone down, and then suck up to them.
"How old do you think I am?"
Pause, pause. "You look like you're in you're mid-forties." Although, in truth, he looked ALL of his 52 years and more. No bottom teeth, many wrinkles, and saggy skin told a tale he was not willing to accept. And he was calling me old, what nerve! Okay, my hair has migrated South, I'm about 15 pounds above my ideal weight, my goatee is mostly white, but I think I look okay for my age.
The truth comes out later when I find out that he's been staking out a single mom at the pool. She's around 40-ish and apparently perked up when I arrived. When we were sitting around the pool, she basically ignored dufus and talked to me. I've experienced this many times. Yes, I'm gay, but not to the casual observer. I get hit on by single women all the time (not to seem conceited, but in Florida, there's a lot of them).
Dufus pulled up a chair and started a conversation while I was just trying to get some sun.
"I run 5 miles every morning, do I look like I'm 52?" Um, yes you do. And your crappy calves don't look like you run 5 miles every day. And when you're not sucking in your gut, you've got a beer belly.
Deal with it, dude. Don't put everyone else down to make yourself look better. I was a restaurant manager. That was a daily happening, and I've learned better. Only mentally-deficient Area Managers fall for that shit.
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